sonson.org

I tend to do pointless things when I am supposed to be studying…
I wanted to try out Grapher on Mac OS X, but soon realized it’s not designed to graph “simple” things, instead it’s more of a graphical calculator… (hey, this is pretty cool! I wish I am still in school taking Calculus or something so I could really try this out with real math problems!)
I don’t have some super difficult math problems handy to graph. All I wanted was a simple time vs. percentage graph. hmmm, I still have MS Excel… (haha) nothing can really stop me from doing stupid things when there are more important things to do. So, here we go… let me present my mood graph for the past week…

I wish I could have some kind of “global positioning system” and an “electronic stability program” built into my brain so I could make decisions a little more logically.

A GPS for my brain would definitely help me judge my social position among others. It would also help me recalculate the trust levels between myself and others. So I don’t have to periodically reset mine from time to time. It’s somewhat stupid to constantly review my relations with others.. but I am selfish (and so does almost everyone), I really don’t want to give out too much and receive nothing in return. With the positioning device, I should be able to calculate my position quickly and, more importantly, accurately so I could make the right move at the right time.

With the GPS in place, I’d still love to have something reliable to control my actions – to monitor my behaviour and “respond nearly instantaneously if it detects a loss of directional control or stability”. Numerously times, I found myself in a situation where my trust level towards an individual grew over a certain threshold and I start to lose guard of myself. ESP would be really useful at this point as it would magically steer me back to a “safer” position because, even if I recalculate my position, it might be really hard for me to actually stop myself from going too far off.

I really need some ice for my walls…

no one is responsible for somebody else’s feeling.

it always depends on how one sees it, how one interprets it, no matter what the other side’s original intention was, or how it was presented.

so, i don’t see why i should (or anyone should) be bothered by this. afterall, what matters the most is how i see it and how i feel.

Am I a type A or a type B? As it turns out, I am a ISTj, according to this site.

What is an ISTj anyway? They call this type of people an inspector – details can be found here and here.

so, almost a month and a half after my “best friend’s” wedding – i think i might have finally digested the whole thing. as i finally had the courage to talk to others about what had happened. i dunno if i was doing the right thing, but it was pretty natural when i first told our highschool friends what happened.

ahem, p.s. i was surprised that how both of them didn’t receive an invitation.

on a related note, i’m happy to know that Jackson is getting married. it’s funny how he called me on saturday night and asked me if i really want to attend the banquet. it was such a sweet conversation – it just brought back a bunch of great memories, numerous phone calls and some every good conversations. the way he talks is just awesome, and the sense of humour that he has is incredible!! maybe it was just fun to hear his voice after 2 long years since he left.

personal phone calls are just priceless.

the last two weeks was rough for me; my brain was working too hard trying to figure out if i should attend the wedding reception or not. my mind was playing tennis on its own: i was going from a “yes” on wednesday to a “no” on thursday, and then back to a “yes” on friday – and i even ironned my skirt on friday afternoon – and then it swinged back to a “no” on friday night.

part of the debate was that i didn’t want to be regret for the decision i made. but then every time when i think about this, it got me into a really bad and cranky mood.

should i really be the person to feel regret? I do feel sorry for “losing” a friend like this. but, wait, i dun really regret for what had happened. from time to time, i thought – well, no one ever apologize to me. hmm.. that doesn’t matter anymore. harm is already done.

up to this moment, what bothers me the most is that how a friend who i know for almost 10 years could think of me and treat me as if i was a unfriendly stranger – cos’ i believe anyone would treat a stranger better than how i was being treated.

i m very, very disappointed about this so-call friendship and i m still angry about how i was treated. there’s no faith in between the two of us anymore. at least, i dun see any from her… honestly, i was only thinking that it was her communication skills or organizational skills that keeps her from communicating with me more effectively. but i NEVER, i swear, i NEVER thought of her like how she thought of me at all.

though i do take partial reponsibility for the fall of our “friendship,” as building a friendship, or any kind of relationship, does take efforts from both parties…

it is just sad, very sad that how it ended up like this. i do hope she had a great day as she is heading to another stage of her life. and well, i kinda still care even though i m still mad.

Lessons learned: Lack of communication is bad. Making assumptions without any verification on top of a communication breakdown is even worse.

today, i was working primarily in Illustrator CS 2…

as i was designing the poster for next week, my anger just grew! all those unfriendly emails and messages! especially his comment on how the design looks nice because the font is pretty! it made me mad, very mad.

after a couple of unfriendly emails, and not a very pleasant meet up. We finally opened up our minds and talked about the number of things that didn’t work out regarding my friend’s wedding. Continue reading…

i usually barely share my personal thoughts with many people. like everyone, i only share with my very close friends. however, what i found lately is that i started to share these personal feelings with people outside of my comfort zone, people other than my super close friends.

partly becos’ my issues are caused by my very good friends, so i m not completely comfortable sharing any of those thoughts with them…yet. i guess not until i m ready for it.

honestly, 90% of the time, i tried to solve any problem myself before i really talk about it with anyone. usually when i start to talk about it, i already got over it myself.

this time, it’s different, maybe because it’s something i can’t really solve by my own. so i asked for opinions and solutions. i turned to my parents, i turned to my very good friends from the other side of the world, the ones who have no connection with the group of friends i m having trouble with right now. i also turned to my colleagues. and, i turned to a friend that i know for a few years, but i wouldn’t count him as a friend: he’s more like one of those people you met at random times, i sorta keep in touch with him.. but very occasionally.

what’s interesting is that i started to share my personal feelings with him and his other friend quite a lot. i found myself telling him a lot… probably too much.

as soon as i started to look for outside opinions, i started to question myself – i started to feel bad cos’ i can tell this is a warning sign about my other friendship/social circle. i dun trust them anymore. i dun feel comfortable talking to them. i dun feel good about the whole situation at all.

having half of myself outside of my “old” comfort zone makes me wonder, is this really my comfort zone? why am i in there in the first place? well, is there really a comfort zone for me? why am i feeling a little more comfortable outside of my comfort zone? what’s wrong with all this? what does this really mean?

interestingly, he and his friend actually asked me if i still count them as my best friends? my answer was: “i dunno.” well, are they really my best friends?

am i really getting out of my comfort zone? or am i expanding it? or did i just hop to another comfort zone, and leaving that old one completely?

i know it’s not like i can weight a relationship. but part of my questions is that if i really leave this old comfort zone, and nobody cared. why on earth do i bother this much to even blog about it.

now, i’m questioning myself: why am i so easily offended?

i kinda feel bad about all this! did she say all this to make me look bad? did she do this just to make the others feel better? am i too sensitive? or am i over-reacting?

but i felt that her writings had “bones” in it… she’s trying to imply something. and these thoughts are burning me like crazy!