sonson.org

講到底，其實人人都自私，你同我都係。

作曲：葉肇中
填詞：鄭櫻綸
監製：鄧智偉

你害怕時用我的雙手 沾到灰塵都也享受
發現原來付出都亦不夠 為何仍是接受

我突然期待你說出口 風光背後覺得未嘗透
有着情感讓故事長久 看透了誰會走

＊成就你沒說穿為你 我未留神為傷痛準備
有淚無感情如何憶記 得不到欣賞怎可自欺

成就你忘掉是自己 我未留餘地怎去躲避
過後誰可放低憶記 (過後如果記得忘記)
經得起分開傷悲 心靠在一起

快樂有時別要太清醒 得到一時失去安靜
你為何從未珍惜沒反應 為何從沒記認

軟弱時期望你聽一聲 跟他對話我甘心旁聽
我在場竟盡破壞場景 到這裏才尾聲

＊Repeat

(stealing the Apple iTunes U tag line “I learn, therefore I am.” a little bit…)

Yesterday, I wrote on twitter: “… eight days in a roll” instead of “… eight days in a row.”

In the past, I also miss-pronounced trackpad as “trackback” or “backpack”. Can you imagine the number of variations there could be?

• trackpad
• trackback
• backtrack
• backpack
• backtrack
• trackpack
• …
• and more

velkr0 often picks on me (well, and corrects me). And we would laugh about it. Then I think I learn from our laughters. And next time, when I need to say these words, I will take a deep breath and give it a second thought before I actually move my lips. (Hey, but I can’t guarantee it works all the time!)

But then.. I guess it’s important to be open to criticism, and even being able to laugh over my own mistakes.

So, I laugh, learn, and reflect, therefore I am.

I wish I could have some kind of “global positioning system” and an “electronic stability program” built into my brain so I could make decisions a little more logically.

A GPS for my brain would definitely help me judge my social position among others. It would also help me recalculate the trust levels between myself and others. So I don’t have to periodically reset mine from time to time. It’s somewhat stupid to constantly review my relations with others.. but I am selfish (and so does almost everyone), I really don’t want to give out too much and receive nothing in return. With the positioning device, I should be able to calculate my position quickly and, more importantly, accurately so I could make the right move at the right time.

With the GPS in place, I’d still love to have something reliable to control my actions – to monitor my behaviour and “respond nearly instantaneously if it detects a loss of directional control or stability”. Numerously times, I found myself in a situation where my trust level towards an individual grew over a certain threshold and I start to lose guard of myself. ESP would be really useful at this point as it would magically steer me back to a “safer” position because, even if I recalculate my position, it might be really hard for me to actually stop myself from going too far off.

I really need some ice for my walls…

no one is responsible for somebody else’s feeling.

it always depends on how one sees it, how one interprets it, no matter what the other side’s original intention was, or how it was presented.

so, i don’t see why i should (or anyone should) be bothered by this. afterall, what matters the most is how i see it and how i feel.

the last two weeks was rough for me; my brain was working too hard trying to figure out if i should attend the wedding reception or not. my mind was playing tennis on its own: i was going from a “yes” on wednesday to a “no” on thursday, and then back to a “yes” on friday – and i even ironned my skirt on friday afternoon – and then it swinged back to a “no” on friday night.

part of the debate was that i didn’t want to be regret for the decision i made. but then every time when i think about this, it got me into a really bad and cranky mood.

should i really be the person to feel regret? I do feel sorry for “losing” a friend like this. but, wait, i dun really regret for what had happened. from time to time, i thought – well, no one ever apologize to me. hmm.. that doesn’t matter anymore. harm is already done.

up to this moment, what bothers me the most is that how a friend who i know for almost 10 years could think of me and treat me as if i was a unfriendly stranger – cos’ i believe anyone would treat a stranger better than how i was being treated.

i m very, very disappointed about this so-call friendship and i m still angry about how i was treated. there’s no faith in between the two of us anymore. at least, i dun see any from her… honestly, i was only thinking that it was her communication skills or organizational skills that keeps her from communicating with me more effectively. but i NEVER, i swear, i NEVER thought of her like how she thought of me at all.

though i do take partial reponsibility for the fall of our “friendship,” as building a friendship, or any kind of relationship, does take efforts from both parties…

it is just sad, very sad that how it ended up like this. i do hope she had a great day as she is heading to another stage of her life. and well, i kinda still care even though i m still mad.

Lessons learned: Lack of communication is bad. Making assumptions without any verification on top of a communication breakdown is even worse.