Yesterday, I wrote on twitter: “… eight days in a roll” instead of “… eight days in a row.”

In the past, I also miss-pronounced trackpad as “trackback” or “backpack”. Can you imagine the number of variations there could be?

• trackpad
• trackback
• backtrack
• backpack
• backtrack
• trackpack
• …
• and more

velkr0 often picks on me (well, and corrects me). And we would laugh about it. Then I think I learn from our laughters. And next time, when I need to say these words, I will take a deep breath and give it a second thought before I actually move my lips. (Hey, but I can’t guarantee it works all the time!)

But then.. I guess it’s important to be open to criticism, and even being able to laugh over my own mistakes.

So, I laugh, learn, and reflect, therefore I am.

A GPS for my brain would definitely help me judge my social position among others. It would also help me recalculate the trust levels between myself and others. So I don’t have to periodically reset mine from time to time. It’s somewhat stupid to constantly review my relations with others.. but I am selfish (and so does almost everyone), I really don’t want to give out too much and receive nothing in return. With the positioning device, I should be able to calculate my position quickly and, more importantly, accurately so I could make the right move at the right time.

With the GPS in place, I’d still love to have something reliable to control my actions – to monitor my behaviour and “respond nearly instantaneously if it detects a loss of directional control or stability”. Numerously times, I found myself in a situation where my trust level towards an individual grew over a certain threshold and I start to lose guard of myself. ESP would be really useful at this point as it would magically steer me back to a “safer” position because, even if I recalculate my position, it might be really hard for me to actually stop myself from going too far off.

I really need some ice for my walls…

it always depends on how one sees it, how one interprets it, no matter what the other side’s original intention was, or how it was presented.

so, i don’t see why i should (or anyone should) be bothered by this. afterall, what matters the most is how i see it and how i feel.

part of the debate was that i didn’t want to be regret for the decision i made. but then every time when i think about this, it got me into a really bad and cranky mood.

should i really be the person to feel regret? I do feel sorry for “losing” a friend like this. but, wait, i dun really regret for what had happened. from time to time, i thought – well, no one ever apologize to me. hmm.. that doesn’t matter anymore. harm is already done.

up to this moment, what bothers me the most is that how a friend who i know for almost 10 years could think of me and treat me as if i was a unfriendly stranger – cos’ i believe anyone would treat a stranger better than how i was being treated.

i m very, very disappointed about this so-call friendship and i m still angry about how i was treated. there’s no faith in between the two of us anymore. at least, i dun see any from her… honestly, i was only thinking that it was her communication skills or organizational skills that keeps her from communicating with me more effectively. but i NEVER, i swear, i NEVER thought of her like how she thought of me at all.

though i do take partial reponsibility for the fall of our “friendship,” as building a friendship, or any kind of relationship, does take efforts from both parties…

it is just sad, very sad that how it ended up like this. i do hope she had a great day as she is heading to another stage of her life. and well, i kinda still care even though i m still mad.

Lessons learned: Lack of communication is bad. Making assumptions without any verification on top of a communication breakdown is even worse.

i have to say that, the unfriendly emails are really unfriendly, in a way, they were even offensive in that my friend’s husband picked on a number of things, made a few understatements. i replied back with an angry email message explaining how it was unfair to accuse me for things that i didn’t do.

so, during the meeting, we talked about all the problems we had and how i was super mad about the way it was handled. all of us admitted the fact that there was a communication breakdown in which we weren’t communicating enough.

if it wasn’t another bridesmaid (another girl friend of mine) ran into my friend during dinner, i doubt if this meeting would actually happen. frankly, we were going to send out yet another “unfriendly” email to strike back. at least, i would since my friend’s husband, again, picked on a number of other things in his reply.

i didn’t want to keep whining about various things that i found unfair and how i was mistreated during this process.

in contrast, i do want to say that i am sorry that it had to turn this way – how the 3 of us had to back out from my friend’s wedding, which is supposingly one of her happiest moments in her life.

i struggled quite a little bit if i should really back out. my parents asked me to, my friends from the other side of the world said i should… but i still struggled. i was unsure. yet, another friend of mine said if she is my best friend, then i should be more flexible. but here lies a question i have to myself: if she is still my best friend… argh… i don’t really know. i suppose, both yes and no… or maybe no to be honest to myself. for one, just stand in my shoes and look at how she treated me. i understand it’s a lot of stress on her right now. but, still, shouldn’t she (or anyone) be a little more considerate?

oh yeah, and come to think of it, i might have lost this best friend few years ago already. i think it’s just too hard for myself to admit the truth. i didn’t feel as sad/bad until i had to actually speak of this on a phone call with another friend from the other side of the ocean. or… i didn’t realize how it might have actually happened couple years ago… maybe i m just slow. and how i kinda assumed this is the way it is – that we all move on to our own lives as we grow up. but losing a friend, and then admitting this to myself is tougher than i thought it would be. i didn’t really want to lose a friend, or officially claiming that i lost a friend by helping her with her wedding.